*This painting is part of an exhibition at the Nederlandse Endometriose Kliniek until August 15th, 2025.*
'Move Closer To It' represents healing—the process of allowing yourself to release the hard feelings that want to be held and comforted. At the same time, it’s a gentle reminder that creating space for those feelings can take time—and that’s okay. You can be compassionate with yourself along the way.
The story behind the painting:
I had a very difficult egg retrieval, made even harder by the doctor who performed it. She was unkind, dismissive, and told me it was weak to take the medication my own doctor had prescribed. In the Netherlands, egg retrievals are typically done without anesthesia, but because of my severe endometriosis, my fertility doctor had given me two options: anesthesia or active sedation. I chose active sedation. The doctor performing the procedure, however, tried to talk me out of it, insisting it wasn’t necessary and that opting for it was weak.
So before we even got started, I was scared and felt like I didn't matter —and from there, things only got worse. My uterus and ovaries weren’t in the right place (thanks, endo), which made the procedure more complicated and excruciatingly painful. The doctor had to go in multiple times. It was really scary.
Afterwards, I felt this deep need to process what I had been through. I started this painting as a way to work through it, but every time I tried, I shut down. The fear, the sadness, the uncertainty—it was too much. For nearly nine months (which, in hindsight, feels symbolic), the painting sat untouched in the corner of my studio. I’d look at it occasionally, then quickly move away from it.
Until one day, I was ready. I don’t remember anything special about that day—just that something in me had shifted.
Once I allowed myself to move closer to those raw, difficult emotions, the painting poured out of me. The colors are drawn from what I saw during the retrieval:
White and blue for the doctor’s and nurses’ clothing.
(Dark) grey hues for the dimly lit room.
Warm orange tones for the morning sunlight filtering through the blinds—a saving grace. In the midst of fear and pain, I focused on that light to get through it.
I hadn’t intended to, but when I stepped back, I saw that I had painted myself—lying there, enduring, fighting, pushing through. And in allowing myself to work through it in this manner, I found healing.
An original mixed media painting, 72x93 cm, acrylic paint, oil pastels, pencil.
The painting has been built, layer by layer, mark by mark, until a beautifully, balanced work of art emerged – deep and complex. This piece is absolutely gorgeous and welcomes you to hold a more space for yourself.
Thank you for supporting my work. Creating this art and sharing it with collectors around the world is a deep honor.
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